Getting to Know the Girl Behind the Mask

She's the girl who spends the majority of her school days in the principal's office or detention, if she even goes at all.  The girl who threatens to fight anyone that gets in her way or gives her a wrong look.  She's never afraid to let her opinion be heard, and if she doesn't want to do something, she won't.  She's the one the other high school girls whisper about behind her back, calling her names that could just as easily be their own label.  Her after school curricular is smoking weed in her trailer park.  She spends most of her time hanging out with the wrong people and chasing after the guys that are too old for her and going nowhere.  She's the girl who hides behind her make up and clothes, because she's too afraid she won't be accepted as she is. She doesn't have dreams.  Her only dream is getting out of that trailer park.  She's cold, and she's hard to get to know.  But I know her.

Her name is Desarae, but I just call her Desi.  Or Desidoodle if I'm making fun of her elementary school nickname.  She's a freshman in the high school I went to, but I met her when she was in 5th grade.  I was a small group leader at my church for 5th and 6th grade girls, and Desi was one of the girls in my group.  She was an elementary school version of herself that I described when I first met her.  She was bitter and showed no emotion.  Her and her friends walked to my church from the trailer park because they heard there was going to be free food there.  But lucky for me, they kept coming back after that first night.  And week after week, I got to know the real Desi.

 I found out that she's the girl whose dad left her for drugs and alcohol.  She's the girl who's been sexually abused by people she thought she could trust.  She's the girl who has watched her mom and big sister make awful decisions when it comes to boys and pretty much everything else.  She's the girl who's had almost every reason to give up, but hasn't.  Instead, she's built a wall.  She doesn't let people in because she's afraid they can't be trusted or will automatically judge her.  She cries out for attention because she doesn't receive it from anyone.  Negative attention is better than no attention.  She's seen things that no little girl or grown man should ever have to see.  She gives up on herself over and over, but it never really takes much to get her going again.  So what does someone like Desi need to spark belief in herself time after time?  Someone that believes in her unconditionally.  I try to be this person for Desi, and I'll admit, sometimes I fall short.  Sometimes I wish I could be more for her, because she's done so much for me.  She's taught me more about strength than I've ever known.  I know it's super cliche, but I've learned not to judge a book by its cover.

All I had to do was take the time to get to know Desi.  I know so much more than what's on the surface.  I see what other people see on the outside, but I know what's going on in the inside and why she is the way she is. Desi is truly one of the greatest people I know, even though she doesn't see her greatness at all.  She's the girl with the huge heart, willing to help anyone, when she's the one who needs the help just as badly.  She's the girl who wants to dream.  She dreams of being something different than her family.  She's the girl who has a contagious laugh.  She's the girl that's changed who I am today.

So what's the big picture?  It's getting to know other peoples' stories.  Understanding what makes everyone tick.  The power of that is so underestimated.  Every person has a story.  Some hide theirs better than others.  Some are willing to tell it, some guard it with their life.  And some are begging for you to figure it out.  And what I now know thanks to Desi, is that sometimes these peoples' stories can become a huge part of your own story.

Feedback From Momma

For this assignment, I knew the best person for me to talk to would be my mom.  For most people this wouldn't really make sense, but I've had to work under her direction a lot in the past few years.  She is the youth minister at my church and I've been a middle school small group leader for a couple years.  I knew my mom would know the most about my leadership style and would be really honest with me about it.

I gained a lot of perspective from the things my mom told me.  She said that I show a lot of dedication when I'm passionate about something.  If I believe in something I'll stand by it and won't let anyone change my mind.  I excel if I'm 100% invested in something, but if I'm not, then I tend to slack off.  She said I always go back to past projects to see things all the way through.  She also said I'm very quick on my feet, and I'm good at coming up with a Plan B if Plan A doesn't work out.  While my mom had lots of positive things to say, she definitely wasn't afraid to tell me the negatives.  She said I need to learn to work with all kinds of people, especially people who don't see things my way.  She said I need to learn how to delegate and not get let down when things don't work out exactly how I want them to.  She said I'm overly critical of myself and that I need to learn that it's okay for things to fail sometimes.

I'm really glad that I asked my mom for leadership feedback.  I learned a lot that I wouldn't have realized otherwise.  And reflecting on what she said, I realize that she was extremely right and pretty much has me all figured out!  It could be kind of awkward to hear the negative things about you, but I actually found it pretty helpful.  I'm glad she was honest with me and wasn't afraid to potentially hurt my feelings.

My Kind of Success

I had always taken family for granted.  Up until I was sixteen I had the picture perfect family.  Or at least that's how it looked like on the outside.  I lived in a nice house in a perfect little neighborhood, had parents who had been married for 23 years, and went to church every Sunday.  My dad was the doctor, my mom was the youth minister.  It seemed like we had it all together.  People from the outside didn't know my dad came home drunk more than half of the week.  They didn't know I stayed up countless nights listening to my parents scream at each other.  I never learned to take pride in my family, and I never understood people that did.  My house and the "family" that lived in it was hell to me.  And honestly, the day my dad walked out for good was the day I finally started learning what a real family was and definitely what it was not.  Now I'm not the kind of person that likes to just throw my sob story out there to make people feel bad for me.  I hate that actually.  But going through this has made me realize what I want in life; what's important to me.  It's family.  But not the kind of family I came to know throughout my life.  I value what a real family is supposed to be, and I value loyalty to that.  What I want more than anything in life is to have a family like I never got to experience as a kid.  Not a picture perfect family, but one that sticks together and loves each other through the good and the bad.

I know to a lot of people this may not sound like much.  And if we would've been talking about this a couple years ago I would've thought what I'm saying is cliche and kind of stupid.  But it's what I want, and it's what I dream of.  It's what will bring me true happiness.  The most important thing to me is finding a husband that will be the kind of dad to my children that I always wished I had.  And I know many people would say that an eighteen year old girl in her first year at a big college shouldn't be thinking about who she's gonna be marrying.  But I couldn't disagree more.  I'm not about wasting my time, and finding a good husband is way too important to me to just put myself out there for anyone that shows an interest in me.  If I can't picture myself being with someone in the far future, I won't stay with them.  It's just common sense to me.  I want to raise my kids in a loving, no judgment home.  The love I received from my dad was always conditional and came with strings attached.  And while my mom is an awesome person, she's always been too strict to ever talk to about real problems.  I want my kids to know that they can talk to me about anything, and I'll never judge them.  These are things that are just second nature to a lot of parents, and that's the way it should be.  But coming from a home where this was never established has given me perspective to see just how crucial it is to having the family I dream of.  

Having this family is just the small scale of what I want in my life.  Not only do I want this family for myself, but I dream of bringing it to others who don't receive it.  I've always wanted to adopt one or two kids.  Ever since I was really little I knew I wanted to do this someday.  There are so many kids out there who have things a million times worse than I ever did.  And if I can play a part in showing just one of these kids what being part of a true family feels like, then I'd say I've been pretty successful in life.  I'm a psychology major, and I dream of being a school psychologist in an inner-city school.  I know I won't be able to solve every kid's problems and make everything okay for them, but it's the little things that count.  And yeah, that's pretty much as cliche as it gets, but it really is true.  A lot of these kids have no one rooting for them.  Sometimes all you need is someone on your team.  Someone to listen to the bad stuff and celebrate the good stuff.  This is what family is.  Family doesn't have to be contained in your own home.  I think family can be an action.  It's reaching out to those who may not ever know how it feels to be part of one.  This is my dream.  It's what I think about every day.  I've learned that family is valuable and no one should ever have to go through life not knowing what it truly means.

Underage Drinking Ethical Dilemma

Dilemma:

You are part of an organization who is planning an event at a bar.  You know that alcohol will be accessible to underage members, but there could be serious consequences to your organization if they are caught.  Do you enforce a rule to stop underage drinking because it is dangerous and against the law?  Or do you let it go because it is being done in a controlled environment and things have always been done this way?

Our Solution:

Individual vs. Community and Truth vs. Loyal

We would have IDs checked at the door of the bar, and if you're under 21, you get X's on your hands.  This ensures that your organization isn't liable for any underage drinking that takes place, but it still allows these people to come to the event and take responsibility for their own actions.  Our solution is primarily rule-based thinking because, in this situation, following the law is most important in protecting the organization and all the people that come to the event.

Personality Reflection

Based off the Myers Briggs personality test, I'm an ISFP.  And I'd say this is pretty spot on.  Anyone that knows me knows that I basically make all my decisions based off of feeling.  To me, it's just more important.  And I've always known that I'm very much so an introvert.  I'm someone who absolutely needs my alone time.  I go crazy if I'm constantly around people.  I need my time just to be quiet and watch Netflix!  ISFPs tend to be very sympathetic and service-oriented which is definitely me.  I care so much about people and it seriously kills me when I hear that someone is going through a hard time.  If someone I care about is hurting, I hurt too.  Some ISFP careers are teachers and psychologists, and I want to be a school psychologist, so that couldn't have been more spot on.  ISFPs tend to be very artistic and really into nature, and I'm not really like that at all.  I really appreciate art, but I'm absolutely terrible at it.  I'm really into music though and love playing guitar.  I also read that ISFPs are really bad at giving themselves credit for the things they're good at and they're unnecessarily hard on themselves.  This is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.  My mom is always getting on me for being so hard on myself and thinking I'm bad at everything.  For the most part, the Myers Briggs test seemed to have me all figured out.

The True Colors test was spot on too.  I put fours for every group of words in the blue category.  I wasn't surprised at all to find out this was the emotional group.  Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows I'm pretty much the most emotional person you'll ever meet.  I told my boyfriend about the results of the test and he just started laughing because of how right it was.  I totally follow my heart over my head and I've always worn my heart on my sleeve.  I do this almost to a fault sometimes.  Blues are said to be very romantic, and yup, I'm a hopeless romantic.  Blues value loyalty and honesty.  I take my friendships and relationships very seriously and throw my whole self in them.  I do everything I possibly can for the people I love.  And I absolutely HATE being lied to.  There's nothing that makes me madder than be lied to.  Blues are very empathetic.  I constantly find myself trying to relate to others so they feel like they have someone who knows what they're going through.  I love being that person people can run to with their problems.  But I tend to get let down easily when those people who come to me aren't there for me when I need someone.  So basically I'm an emotional mess that cries during pretty much every movie or episode of One Tree Hill.  But I really do see this as a strength for me.  It's what makes me who I am and I really wouldn't want to be any other way!

Mission Statement

So many factors have contributed to my personality and learning preferences.  Thinking about my age, I realize my generation has so much technology that the generations before me had no access to.  I can't even imagine going to class and not watching videos or taking notes from a PowerPoint presentation.  I mean, right now I'm blogging.  That word didn't even exist in previous generations.  I come from a pretty small town with VERY few minorities.  While this has shaped other people in my town to be close-minded and judgmental, it's done quite the opposite for me.  I've been raised in a home that has always been very accepting of others.  This value has been driven into the person I am.  When I look at others, I've never even noticed color or acted any differently because of it.  It's just how I was raised.  I also come from a very religious home.  I've been raised in the Christian church since I was born.  And three years ago my mom became the youth minister at my church.  Church and God has played a huge role in shaping me and my personality.  Being raised in the church has shaped my morals significantly.  I think it's a big part of the reason why I'm so accepting of others.  Church has made me more aware that we all mess up and have no room to judge others.  But religion has also made me butt heads with my mom A LOT.  She's always kind of shoved it down my throat and never allowed it to be an option.  While my mom is very accepting of others, I think she judges me.  I feel like if I ever messed up, she would be the last person I could ever go to.  I think this has made me into a very strong-willed person.  You can't force your views on me and I won't ever let up on mine.  Despite coming from a pretty strict family, I have it a lot easier than my four older sisters did.  I'm the baby of the family, and I know my parents have let up a lot over the years.  My sisters are all way older than me too, with the closest one to me being 6 years older.  Since I was two, I've only lived with that sister and my parents.  My parents never had the best relationship and divorced my sophomore year of high school.  These family dynamics have played a huge role in who I am today.  It's made me much more independent, but it's also made me question things and struggle with trusting people.  I lean towards the introvert side of the spectrum and I think these things have a lot to do with that.

Answering the question "What is your purpose in life?" is almost impossible.  I think you figure a lot of that out as you go.  I know I don't need to cure cancer or solve world hunger to feel like I've made a significant contribution to the world.  I believe in the little things.  I believe that every person needs an advocate, someone to stand by their side and defend them when they can't stand on their own.  I know a lot of people don't have these advocates.  I've done Big Brothers Big Sisters and gone on several mission trips.  My  Little Sister and all these kids I've seen on these trips are the people I'm talking about.  People with no one to lean on.  I'm really passionate about these kids, and I've realized recently that this is where I need to spend my time.  I long to be an advocate for these kids with no one.  Kids who have just been dealt a crappy hand in life.  There are a lot of qualities that go into being successful at this.  Trustworthiness and dependability are huge.  No kid will ever open up to me if they can't trust me and depend on me to always be there.  These are values I always look for in the people around me, so I think they're the most important ones for me to hold.  I think it's crucial to stand up for what you believe in, always.  I'm really hard-headed so it's always kind of come easy for me, but standing up for what you think is right and speaking out against what you think is wrong is so important.  I long to be viewed as someone who has respect for herself and respect for others.

Mission Statement: to be an advocate for young people who can't stand independently.  I will offer support to those who have none and be the voice for those who are never spoken up for.  I will do this by practicing consistent trustworthiness, dependability, and respect.

Leadership Lens

So to be honest, I thought this assignment was going to be super easy.  I thought there were so many good examples of leadership in the media that it would be simple just to pick one and go with it.  But it's turned out to be a lot harder than that for me.  I think each individual person has a totally different view of what makes a great leader.  I can't choose one person that I feel is viewed all around as an exceptional leader, but I can choose one that I view as an exceptional leader.  And choosing this guy is bound to stir up some controversy.  A man who has shaped my view of leadership is George W. Bush.

Now I know Bush isn't exactly popular in too many people's eyes.  You either love him or you hate him. But I think he carries some awesome qualities.  I don't feel this way because of his political party or his choices made during his Presidency.  I simply think he's a good man who stuck to what he believed in even when he was bashed for it.  I don't think we could've had a better person to lead us during 9/11.  In my opinion, what's truly admirable about George Bush is the fact that he does so many great things for others but almost always does these things out of the limelight.  He didn't want the fame and has talked a lot about that.  He was a good, honest man who did what he thought was best for the country he loved, and I think that says a lot about what leadership is.  Someone who doesn't change his opinions based off of approval ratings, someone who refuses to say a bad word about our President now, someone who looks to better the lives of others and doesn't need everyone's approval for his actions.  I know a lot of people make fun of Bush and say he was a terrible leader.  And maybe he wasn't the best President America has ever seen.  That's not at all what I'm trying to say.  To me, it's his character that has totally shaped my view of what good leadership is.

"I can hear you, the rest of the world can hear you and the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon."

"Leadership to me means duty, honor, country. It means character, and it means listening from time to time."